Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Processing a Bad Day

I usually try not to post if I am having a bad attitude because that is not what I want to remember when I look back on our journey. I am going to post anyway because I just need to vent and because I know that one day I will look back and see how God always has his hand on even the smallest things that cause us strife and grief.

I am finally feeling better from the stomach bug. I actually ate my first meal in a week last night that did not result in any type of stomach pain. We are still trying to get things done around the house so that we can put it on the market. We still have a lot to do and all the rain is not helping. We have looked at so many homes and each one is a bust. I did not know that this part would be so difficult. I really thought that it would be fun. We are still trying to decide if we can afford to use a Realtor. With the market being in a slump we have lost thousands of dollars in equity so it is hard to squeeze out the extra to pay a Realtor. On the other hand it is also hard to sale any home right now so we may need the advantage. We have been told by two Realtors that our house will go quickly. It is hard to know which way to go. Our big delima is that if our house sells fast we have not found anything else and we would have no place to live. We have also been so torn on where to look. James needs to be near the by pass because of traffic and his commute to work. We want to stay close to our church even though it is relocating. Finally we needed to be close to the School that we thought Kayla would be attending next year.

Fast forward to Monday. I was having some quiet time and trying to focus on the fact that maybe we are pushing the move and that it is simply not time. We keep hitting a dead end and it is really beginning to take an emotional and physical toll on me. I was trying to reassure myself that we were okay where we are and that it is probably a better idea for us to stay put for now. This location keeps us closer to James work and our church. It also keeps us closer to the School that we want to put Kayla in next year. I had just felt a big burden lifted when I realized that it was May and that we should be hearing about her school anytime. I decided to call and see if they were still working on enrollment or if they had finished. I tried several times to log onto the web site and it kept telling me the system was down. I finally called and was able to talk to someone who informed me that all the positions were filled and that if we had not already received a call then her name had not been drawn. I really tried to keep it together and did till I called James. I refused to tell Kayla because I was so upset and I knew how much she wanted this.

We finished up more school work and during lunch I told Kayla about not getting into the school. She was disappointed but actually took it better than I did. We talked about what this meant for next year and how we needed to proceed. I feel very STRONGLY that I do not want my children in Rogers schools. I know this might offend some but I have my reasons and I stand firm on them. At this point our other options are to home school another year, drive every day and put her in private, or try to relocate to Bentonville and put her in school there. Homeschooling next year is not where our family feels led. Private is expensive and Bentoville puts James further from work. So I am overwhelmed with what to do next.

In the midst of the emotional let down I still needed to pay bills. I had not accessed any of our files since we got our computer back but I have noticed that things are not where they where before. I tried to locate a file that I needed to pay bills and could not find it anywhere. I decided to take a break and pull up some pics of our house so that we could get them ready in case we still decide to list the house. That is when I knew that we had a problem. There was only one picture folder and it was empty. I tried not to panic and kept looking for them in other places. Still no luck. I finally called James (for the second time that day) in a panic. He reassured me that everything was transferred before they wiped the computer clean. After what seemed like an eternity it was obvious that they were not on our computer. James had our backup disk at work and checked to see if they were on the back up disk. Not there! They failed to transfer ANY of our shared documents. That was everything that I needed them to save! All my pictures ( 5 years worth) and all my saved documents. Wiped clean, gone forever, could have and should have been avoided! This is were the breakdown came in. I had already been crying and in a mini panic but now it is full blown. I proceeded to cry for the next four hours. Noah actually kept hugging me asking me to stop crying because it was making him so sad. I just could not stop. I do not have a huge fancy house, we do not own expensive furniture or drive new cars, I wear the same outfits every week. I say all this because we do not invest a lot of our money in fancy things that can perish. We by used when ever we can and we never pay full price for anything. I have always joked that if we have a natural disaster then James is supposed to grab the kids and I will grab the pictures. If you spend anytime in our home or if you know me very well you will see that my passion is my pictures. I value people and my loved ones far above these pictures but I value photos far above any material possession. We have lost too many loved ones to not understand the value of those memories. One day all we will have of our loved ones are the memories. My memories are wrapped up in my pictures. Not that I can not remember them with out the pics but one day Noah will want to see his young life and it is gone. Birthdays, Christmas, Anniversary's, pictures with loved ones that are no longer with us. They are all gone. It felt like some one took the most personal and most meaningful material possession that I had and burnt them right there. There was nothing I could do to stop it or get it back. I think I am going to have to stop writing about this or I am going to loose it again. Please pray that God will give me a peace about this. I am not upset, I am devastated. I know that sounds ridiculous but I am really struggling with this and I am overwhelmed with hurt right now.

To end my day I received a phone call that my nephew is back in the hospital. He has lost feeling in his leg and his speech is getting worse. They are still doing test and he is supposed to be having an EEG done. They are not sure if he had minigitus or not since they can not test for it now. It could be what made him ill in the first place but they do not believe that is what is happening now. The neurologist said that you do not go into the hospital walking and talking and come out not able to walk or talk unless something has happened. They believe that the doctors who did is surgery is covering something up and that he lost enough oxygen during surgery that it left him brain damaged. They have been advised not to talk to any of those doctors and to only talk to their lawyers.

On that note I am only growing more and more angry so I think I am going to end this post. Still trying to process all the frustration and hurt that I am feeling.