Sunday, June 14, 2009

Still Here

We have had many people ask if we are okay because I have not posted in a long time. We are still out here and we are holding tight as we make our way through this crazy life. I have several post that I really hope to catch up on this week.

This last week was a big week for our family as we celebrated our third gotcha day with our little man. I still wish that this precious day could stand alone and that it would not have to compete with such sad memories. Three years ago today we landed in the US with a brown eyed bundle of energy that would forever change our lives. We entered the airport in Houston and gave a huge sigh of relief because in just a few hours we would be united with our family and friends and we would finally be together as a family. We had waited for this day for 8 years. Our dreams of growing our family were coming true. We would hold our son and hug our daughter at the same time. We would all be together and this crazy roller coaster of a rid was about to let us off. The ecstasy lasted as we walked through the double doors that led us to the waiting area for our next flight. As we took our seats and held our new bundle of joy tightly in our arms we received a phone call that would shatter our excitement. I will never forget that call. It haunts me to this day. I remember James asking the person on the other line if A was okay? At that moment I assumed that they had lost the the new baby. My heart sank. How could this be? She was only three weeks old and it just wasn't fair. James hung up the phone and as he turned to me he spoke the words that I still to this day can not truly believe. "Erik is dead! He was hit form behind and killed." I do not know how long I sat there in disbelief. I remember saying over and over to myself; "not Erik!" I tried to pull myself together for the sake of the new baby that was resting in my arms. I needed him to fell safe and protected but all I could do was hug him tight and sob. How could one family be complete and another family be torn apart. This was not supposed to be happening. Our babies were going to play outside together and we were going to have a big Bar B Que when we returned home. We had just exchanged stories in the front yard the night before we left for Guatemala. I was so excited for him to meet our son. Erik spent hours telling me what to expect on my first flight and how I must live life to the fullest and never be afraid. I was so excited to tell him how brave I was on my first flight and how I had made it 5 days in a foreign country with a new baby and only one carry on. ( I usually pack the kitchen sink where ever I go)

Each year I have high hopes that this will be the year for complete healing. This year we were reminded of the tragedy that took his life. We have been looking for a home in Bentonville. We usually do a drive by before we see it with the Realtor. One of the homes that we went to see was in the subdivision where he was working when his life was tragicly taken. At first we thought that it might not be the same place but as we drove through the entrence it hit us like a ton of bricks. It was in that very place that his life was taken and this was the first time that we had come to that place. Then today we sang the song in church that his wife sang at his funeral. It seems that there are still memories that are filled with pain that remind us of what we have lost. It gets easier but the facts remain the same. We miss him. I wish that he was here living life to the fullest with his two beautiful daughters and their mother. I wish that they were still our neighbors and that our kids were playing in the yard. I wish that he knew Noah in person instead of just pictures. Most of all I wish that we were still surrounded daily by his love for life and people. His energy and his smile was contagious. His passion for family and life made you want to love deeper and live life with more excitement. In the midst of the painful memories there are so many happy memoreis that remind me why it is that we invest in the lives around us. We could have skipped the pain if we had never been neighbors and had never met him and his beautiful family. If we had never taken the time to invest in them or allowed them to invest in us we would not know what it feels like to miss him. I know that I am rambling but my point is this; Sometimes I want to for go any new relationships. Our family has been through many losses in the last several years. Each loss is more and more difficult to get through. I struggle with giving my heart to anyone new for fear that it will break completly if anything else happens. When Danny died I actually sked God to "get it over with, to take everyone he needed to take right then so that I could heal completly and not have to go through this again. I know that sounds aweful. I did not want him to take anyone else but I just did not know how I could bear the pain over and over again. So how does one move forward and how does one learn to invest when you know that it comes with risk? I am still searching for the answer. For now I am trying to remember that each loss was only a loss becasue at some point there was a gain. A gain of love and friend ship, a gain of memories and experiences. For now I am not ready to give up the gains so I am trying to learn how to deal with the losses. Please know that I am not living in a depressed state of mind every day. I am just trying to learn how to let people in again. I am trying to remember how it feels to love deeply with out a daily fear of loss. Please pray for me as I seek God's grace and mercy for complete healing.