Saturday, September 13, 2008

Where sorrow and joy meet.

Well it has been 15 days since my last post. So much has happened, so many thoughts have come and gone. I'm not really sure where to even start. I have been reading other post of friends but I just have not had the time, energy or mental capacity to put these last 14 days into words. I'm going to try so that one day when I look back I can see God at work in us and those around us.

When we first started this blog it was to keep family and friends informed during our adoption. Then tragedy struck our family and life with a new baby happened. The blog went untouched for a long period of time and there are so many gaps that I hope to one day fill in. On the other hand I feel like instead of looking back it is time to move forward.

One of the reasons that I began to blog again was because I needed an outlet and a way to process life. I also want family and friends to feel connected, but most of all I just need these thoughts saved so that I can go back and remember how God has moved in our lives. I need to be reminded of the trials and joys of life. It is a place where I can record life and ponder on it as I look back.

We had a great time in KS at the Great Wolf Lodge. Some of the circumstances that surrounded the planning were stressful and we knew that they were schemes from the enemy himself. I so do not like him! We prayed through them and God blessed us with a wonderful memorable trip. Our family as well as two other families made it through the anniversary of Danny's death. Memorial Day was busy as we spent the day playing and celebrating family. Monday night we were driving home when it occurred to me that one year ago we were standing in the hospital, in shock, wondering what just happened. I wanted to pinch my self and wake up shaking off this horrible dream. How were we ever going to make it through this. How do you heal after such a great loss. Well our God is BIG and he is GOOD because one year later we were laughing with the same family and singing silly songs. Trying to name the artist or the song and remembering a husband, father, son and dear friend. Yes, we are moving forward. That is what Danny would want and that is certainly what our Father wants for us. Life is too precious to not celebrate every moment.

I am sure that many people read this blog and wonder why I post so often about death or the families that it has effected. Isn't this blog about adoption and about life being a journey? Why not just write about the journey that brings happiness? All I can say is that we have learned more in these times of sorrow than any other time. Because we live in a fallen world our lives must be intertwined with sorrow and joy. This is where our foundation is tested

As a family we have experienced several tragedies. These tragedies have molded us and formed us into the family that we are today. We are not professing to have the worst experiences out there but we have felt deep sorrow we have experienced our share of the enemies schemes. What I have learned through these is that God does not promise us that this life will be easy but instead speaks of it's difficulties. I wish that we could bypass the trials and troubles of this world but I have to admit that I would not be sold out for Christ if it had all been easy. I would have never learned to trust Him or to turn to Him in difficult times. I would not have sought Him out and wrestled with Him. I would not have seen His suffering or acknowledged my need for His forgiveness. If I had not been wounded I would not have experienced a desperate need for Him. If I had not searched I would not have found Him. If I had not had my heart broken I would not have felt His heart beating. If he answered all my prayers the way I wanted I would not know Jesus as I know Jesus today. He would not be my Abba, my Father, my Redeemer, my Shelter, my Tower of Strength. I would be eternally lost and with out hope. So even though I have questions and my heart aches when life takes that unexpected turn I find comfort in knowing and believing that my God is my Salvation and that this world is my opportunity to show His Love to those who are yet to find and experience that Love and peace that carries me through.

I'm not sure how to share this thought so I am going to just type and ask God to speak. I want to share where my heart is on "family". God has really used Noah's adoption to speak to me about the meaning of family. If you spend much time around our family you would believe that we have a great deal of extended family living close by. You will hear us talk about sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. The truth is we only have James grandmother (granddad passed away in November) and James aunt and uncle that live nearby. The rest of our family is spread out in other states. I'm sure this is not making sense but what I am trying to say is that our children have people in there lives that they refer to as aunt, uncle, etc. We have people in our lives that we refer to as sister and brother. I have been asked many times if I am related to so and so. The answer is usually no. So where am I going with this? A friend once asked me (actually she asks me a lot) why we help her so much. We usually say because you are our sister. Her response is "not by blood so your not obligated". Our response "what about Noah"? "He does not share our blood but we are committed to him." If the only way we can be family is biological blood then our family is a lie. The reason that we help each other and that we call each other family is because of the blood of Jesus. We share eternal blood. It is His blood that connects us and makes us family. We love them because He loves us. His blood was shed so that we could become one and fellowship together. It is not about the blood that runs through our veins and keeps our heart beating. Our blood will one day cease while his has eternal power. His blood covers sin and enables us to fellowship with Him. My point is that we need to think of others as our eternal family and love them in the here and now. We are all so busy with our own families that we we balk at the thought of connecting with another family that may need us to walk with them. This is our only time to make a difference. One day this game of life will end and all the game pieces will go into a box and it will perish. What will we have left. What will our families have left. Who is your family? How well do you know those that you will spend an eternity with? Here's what I have experienced...when you go through infertility for 12 years you begin to reach out to other people's children as your own. You invest in their lives and you connect with them because you long for that relationship. Then there is adoption. I have come to understand my adoption into God's Kingdom so much more clearly after experiencing Noah's adoption. Have you ever loved and given of yourself outside your own blood in a way that will make an eternal difference? If not you are missing one of the greatest earthly rewards there is to receive. Remember God does not need us to take care of His Kingdom but He left His world and came to ours so that we could experience His Kingdom here on earth. His Kingdom exist within the hearts of those that believe in Him and one day, sooner than we know, He will return for His Kingdom.


Reba said...

I read this a while ago and just didn't even know how to comment. You just so beautifully put into words your heart and your soul. Thank you for sharing, for giving us a glimpse of all you have been through. Even more, thank you for demonstrating faith and rest in His love over and over.