JUST PLAIN GRUMPY!

It is exactly one week post op. It' s hard to believe that I started this insane roller coaster a week ago. It seems so much longer some moments and like it just happened yesterday at others. I have had a hard time focusing to type or do much of anything. Tonight I am trying to keep my mind off things until pain meds arrive.

So one of the biggest things that come to mind is that I have really tried to "mentally" handle the pain. I knew that it would exist so I have tried to focus on the fact that I can make it through this one episode at a time. So how's that going?

Well...first it is more difficult to just handle pain when it changes every four hours and every day. No two days have been alike. There have been similarities but so many more differences than I thought there would be. It is also more emotionally draining than I expected it to be.

So last night was the worst so far. It was followed by a bad morning and kept a slow downward pace all day. Tonight I realized that people asked me if I'm okay a lot. I usually say yes because I'm not dying and I am making it. Well tonight James asked me if I was okay and I just said "no I am not okay! I'm not dying and I will make it to the other side of this, but I am NOT OKAY"! "I told him exactly how I felt. I have had no dt coke or solid foods for 8 days, the sight of liquid pain medications make my stomach dry heave and jello is a four letter word. My stitches are drying out, my skin itches from the dehydration or a med reaction-we are yet to figure out why. I have open third degree burns on my tongue and throat the size of half dollars. I have spent all day spiting out mouth fulls of soars and scabs. Not only does this hurt but it is very gross. I still have the stomach virus that welcomed me home from the hospital so if I do manage to get more than liquid med or jello down I spend the next three hours in the bathroom doing business. I have not slept in my bed or lying down in 8 days, and I'm not allowed to pick up any thing I drop (which happens a lot when you are on that many drugs). I fall asleep any time I sit down even when I am holding things. Today (Friday) I had my first opportunity to be ALONE in 8 days with total peace and quiet only to throw a blood clot and start bleeding. I was alone for twenty minuets before I had to have a babysitter again. For the first time in my life I can smell the great food that people are bring for our family and I can't eat it. I've tried. It either burns or I choke or I just can't get through the pain (throat and stomach). I love eating other peoples cooking so this just seems like torture. I believe that I know what a chicken feels like to have it's neck rung. My neck is so weak I can barley hold up my own head. This results in headaches and just plain misery. Then there is the Flu that is accompanied by fever, hot and cold flashes and stomach pains that are worse than I ahve had in a long time. The worst part at this point is that the doctor said that I should expect about 6 more days of feeling like this then the better part comes. So...No I am really not okay. I'm going to survive but at this point I really just want to sleep through the night in my own bed after a smallish meal that left me without stomach pain. I also look forward to time being measured in some thing other than pain meds. For those that know me I do not like medicine. For the most part it makes me feel far worse than better. In this case I know that I can not make it without them but it will be good to see them gone. I also look forward to being able to drive my van again. We are at least another week out for that. The kids come home tomorrow and I'm just not sure how I'm going to be ready to take care for them. Please keep praying for healing and endurance. It has been several days since things have been good and I just need a "good day" soon.